It's been a while!

OK - about time I stopped neglecting this blog and updated it on what's been going on. I've got bogged down in my diet blog and stopped thinking outside of that, and whilst improving myself by eating healthily is all well and good, it's not the be all and end all of my existence. Or it shouldn't be anyway.

Soooooo .... big breath, and this might be quite a long post!

Friday afternoon, I ventured out mountain-biking at the Forest of Dean, and decided to tackle the single-track on my own. It was a gorgeous afternoon, and I managed to navigate myself there straight from the office without any problems - victory!!! For some reason I always feel a little bit anxious before I set out doing things like this. I don't know why, because I'm same with windsurfing and now with the running club. As soon as I get going I'm fine, but before that I get butterflies, as if I'm worried I might do something wrong.

Anyhoo, the centre was lovely and quiet when I got there, which was great as I didn't want to be mowed down by gnarly biker dudes out on the trail. Put my bike together with minimal fussing and then hoofed it off into the woods. The other cars that were there did indeed contain the requisite gnarly biker dudes but they were still faffing with their bikes when I set out. I was wondering what exactly it is they do with their bikes, but since I'm know technical genius I've never bothered to find out. I think I now know. They're most likely checking to make sure everything's working, as this is what caught me out on the ride.

The circuit was glorious - bloody hard work (I'm definitely not yet as fit as I think I am), but stunning weather, good trail conditions and not a soul in sight. No problems other than the chain skipping occasionally and my lungs wanting to give out on me (and my legs), so I decided that I had just enough time to fit in another slightly more leisurely lap of the trail.

The fates were indeed tempted by this, and about a third of the way round the lap, I realised that the skipping chain had worsened and I now had definite problems with my bikes chain around the rear cassette. (This isn't going to be a highly technical explanation, so probably best to stop reading now if my girly descriptions might offend you lol). Basically speaking, I finally figured out that the back wheel had lost the ability to spin freely, so when ever the bike got faster than my little legs could pedal, the chain was being dragged through and coming completely slack. Not good if you're on a trail which has quite a damn lot of downhill!!

On I limped, and suddenly the gorgeous solitude of the forest and the lack of helpful bike experts became deeply irritating!!! Eventually I got to a section that it was impossible for me to get through (switchback berms looping up and down steeply in quick succession) and abandoned the singletrack for one of the nearby logging trails which run vaguely parallel. Five minutes later and a very relieved Sue and a rather crippled bike hobbled back to the car. So, my first attempt at some solo singletrack was a bit of disaster, and I think I really need to take some bike maintenance course lessons, and actually carry some tools with me in future!

Once back at the car, with the broken bike packed in the car (the chain guard which I hadn't bothered to strip off when I got the bike as snapped loose and wedged itself between the rear cassette and the wheel - hence the lack of free-wheeling) I grabbed a hot shower at the centre, and headed off to Stroud all nicely freshened up.

Down in Stroud I met the girls from my old work, Helen, Sara and Jen for dinner and a big gossipy catch up. It was truly lovely to see them again, and I realised how much I miss working with them all. I didn't appreciate how good my old job was until I left it, and in some ways I sincerely wish I hadn't left. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side, as I certainly had my fair share of stresses whilst I worked there, and to be fair, the commute to and from was killing me, but I genuinely miss working with them, and right now it seems like a bed of roses compared to my current job which I'm rapidly learning to hate.

We met at Jen's house before heading out for dinner, and I must say I'm incredibly jealous of her place. How does a young couple in their late 20's, one of them an assistant account and the other a bar-tender / manager earn enough to afford a gorgeous 4 bedroom, split level detached house newly built in the Cotswolds???? *Sigh*.

Saturday dawned bright and beautiful for the wedding of my schoolfriend Kate to her other half Martin. Yet another couple who have done fantastically well for themselves and seem to live a golden, charmed life. For once in my life I was out the door on time and where I needed to be ready to get changed and get my lift to church. Courtesy of Friday's biking adventures I had (and still have) a massive bruise on the back of my right leg caused by the spiked metal pedal on my bike smashing into the back of it, so that looked particularly elegant with my dress!

The wedding went smoothly and was pretty emotional, although the small kids tearing round did lighten the atmosphere a bit. The vicar was hilarious - a proper Northern guy who took the piss out of being Northern (the groom and his family are from up North too), and somehow managed to work a pint of Guinness into his address. I've never seen a vicar produce a pint of Guinness in church before, and then proceed to toast the bride and groom with it - but he was genuinely funny and interesting. He did later confide to me that the Guinness was warm and tasted disgusting though :o)

The reception afterwards was also excellent, although slightly traumatic in parts for me as I was bought face to face with someone I've known for years but who I am no longer friends with. To cut a long story short, this person decided about 2 years ago that she no longer liked me for various undisclosed (to me) reasons, and then proceeded to burn bridges most effectively by behaving in a completely unforgivable way around the time of my mother's death. I've wanted nothing to do with her since, although I mourn the fact that she drove a friendship of 15-odd years effectively into the ground. However the after effects of that "split" have caused quite a rift in our group of friends, as it became very awkward to have us in the same place together.

For the first time in 2 years we managed to be nice to each other at the wedding and while the friendship is by no means back on, I think that this will at least see the suspension of hostilities. Lissa and Jo were rather cheeky, making me laugh, as they made us hug for the camera so that they had proof that we'd spoken. As Lissa said "we can have one Christmas again - we're not the children of divorced parents anymore!". Whilst I was laughing at this, I could also see how relieved they were, as we're a tight-knit group and I can imagine it's been pretty difficult for them to know what to do or who to side with.

I had a lot to drink at the reception. And I do mean a lot. Which was a bit of a shame really, as I started to feel quite ill towards the end of the evening. I guess with everything else going on, reconciliations, meeting friend's new boyfriend, celebrating the wedding of course and catching up with friends I don't see very often. The result was me getting very drunk, and subsequently really quite ill although thankfully not til after we were home.

Sunday really just involved a lot of mooching around and then sitting in the sunny pub garden feeling sorry for ourselves and trying to shake the hangovers.

Lovely bank holiday Monday I bundled off in the car to nearby Ragley Hall for a picnic and general fun day. Although the weather looked a bit gloomy and threatening, it actually turned out beautiful in the end, so it was a great day just to sit around, chat, read a bit, play in the dual-layer maze, have a game of softball and another one of frisbee and just generally be silly!

This is us being all excited about going into the maze and getting lost:

The rest of the week has generally been fairly quiet with just the usual sessions at the gym or out running. We went out running on the Malvern hills last night and it was glorious in the evening sunshine. I've spent this afternoon having lunch with my lovely Dad and enjoying a catch up, and then a spot of shopping for a few bits I needed, and tomorrow morning I head off to London.

I'm being a bit stupid really, as one of the people holding the house party had a real thing for me a while ago. Whilst I wasn't interested in return, it was really flattering that he continually showed that he liked me as I was feeling pretty down in the confidence stakes at the time. Last week I found out that he's been seeing a new girl for a couple of months now, and this should be a good thing as it puts an end to a potentially uncomfortable situation of him chasing me, but oddly I just feel a bit disappointed that he's clearly over me. Stupid really, and entirely selfish - I should really get a grip!!!

Feeling saintly

I was good - I got into work extra early yesterday, so I could finish earlier, and I hurried into town after work, and took back the dress and shoes from the other week's shopping extravaganza. So I feel a bit better now - that's my credit card bill reduced by £120.

I was also extra good on the exercise front last night as I did a spinning class and went running.

Good god - I'm going to grow wings and start wearing a halo soon I'm being so good! :O)

Why I'm so rubbish at budgeting.

I'm feeling rather disappointed in myself today. I'd been doing so well on a budgeting front this month, and successfully more or less hauled myself back from imminent poverty as the end of the month loomed, to the prospect of actually finishing the month with a bit of a surplus to go towards the credit cards.

Alas, it all went wrong yesterday. I had a really bad reaction to my contact lenses on Sunday night, and since I had an ulcer on my cornea last year, I thought I'd better go to the opticians to get it checked out. Turns out I've got a tear almost exactly where I had the ulcer (but a new one, completely unrelated to last year's episode - weird but coincidental apparently), so I spent most of yesterday in and out of the opticians for various appointments whilst they sorted it. Which left me with quite a bit of spare time on my hands to wander round the shops.

I am truly the shopping equivalent of the dieter who's faced with the smorgasbord buffet, and no where else to eat. Completely unprepared, and therefore lacking in willpower, I went shopping. I bought items shampoo, razor blades and medicated eye-drops from Boots. That's fine - they're essentials and they'll be used. A necklace from Fat Face - just about justifiable as I bought it before, wore it to death and promptly lost it, so at least I know it'll be worn regularly. Shoes. Oh dear - me and shoes. First up, flat black pumps for the office - cost £30. Fine - I need them, I'll wear them and they could have been a lot more expensive as I wanted leather ones. And then a pair of wedge sandals. For £55. Why?? Because I liked them. Are they practical? Not entirely. Did I use the 10 Second Rule? Yes. Did I listen to myself. Errrr - I think that's a resoundingly big no. And do I feel horribly guilty now? YES.

Buying things you want is meant to bring pleasure, not guilt. I don't seem to have got the hang of this yet. So there goes my surplus for the month, and the only reason I haven't hit my overdraft limit is that I thoughtfully transferred £100 from savings last week as I wasn't sure how much the weekend was going to cost. I'm a foolish, foolish girl.

It's back to the drawing board. I get paid tomorrow, and I've already jotted down the big things I know I've got to deal with this month. The £100 has to go back to my savings. I've got a wedding present to pay for, and I know I've got the balance of the hostel for Oslo to pay for, as well as spending money for the trip and probably airport parking. Ideally, I'd also like to somehow absorb the cost of the shoe splurge into this month's budget - I know this is a bit futile, as it's already spent, but at least it makes me feel like I have a bit of control - if it's in this month's budget, that's £55 I can't spend again, and hopefully will be part of whatever surplus is left at the end of the month.

This month is going to be expensive, but I must get on top of my spending - feeling this out of control the whole time is horrible.

Balls and biking

I've had an awesome weekend. After procrastinating the packing down to the last minute, I packed in about 30 mins flat for the weekend, including taking the time to have a total dress crisis. Purple dress or red one, red dress or purple one???? Arrggh!!!! So clearly, I ended up packing the white one instead. This is B and I looking rather pleased with ourselves after *ahem* several glasses of wine.





And a rather random shot of our dinner table at the ball.





Jon (my next door neighbour), B and I looking like we've had a few glasses of wine.

Jon indulging in some Bridget-baiting, whilst she gets a quick lift from Tim (her boyfriend). The object in Jon's hand is B's shoes - he was going after her legendarily ticklish feet.

Classy - the apres-ball drinking continues straight from the wine bottle on the walk to the hosts' house.

A new day, a few hangovers, and a spot of mountain-biking at Llandegla - this is my instrument of torture / weapon of choice:

Me looking exceptionall smug to have reached the top of the climb / beginning of the descent. Can you tell that I'm just the tiniest bit /excited that we're going down, down, down into the woods, somewhere where I'm pointing??

Me, having fun swooping along on the downhill section:

A totally random shot, somewhere near where we finished. I think we'd stopped to compare mud collections - B's was better as my bike is sporting it's winter mud-guards. Will take them off soon as the weather improves.

Tim went off to do the Black run, whilst B and I were lazy on the Blue. He practically inhaled that cake when he caught up with us at the finish. Next time, I'm definitely doing the Red run - the Blue was fun, but not challenging enough.

All in all, a brilliantly fun weekend. Followed by a long trip home in the car. Bridget spent most of the trip home perusing a guide to singletrack venues in the UK and offering up suggestions for future trips, whilst Tim drove, and I dozed in the back. Looking forward to whatever's next. I'm trying to work out if I've got time to have a bash at the red run at the Forest of Dean on my afternoon off on Friday before I head into the Cotswolds to meet some friends for dinner - a slightly daunting prospect in one way as I'd be doing it on my own, but on the other hand I could go at my own speed, and a Friday afternoon should be quiet as most folks would still be in work. Otherwise I think I'll take my bike with me on Sat and explore the possibilities of the Wyre Forest on Sunday after this weekend's wedding.

Thank God it's Friday!

Quick update on life a la Sue.

1. I've woken up this morning with a random bleeding scratch right down the side of my nose. No idea how I've done, but perfect timing for the ball tonight where a) I'd like to look my best, and b) lots of photos will be taken.
2. The budgeting is working so far, and I might actually finish the month without running over. Hallelujah. However, there's still 4 days left in which I could potentially fuck it up.
3. I'm leaving for Wales in an hour and I still haven't even started packing. Whoops.
4. I haven't got round to organising my date for Sunday, because I'm phenomenally disorganised - might do it by text once I'm in the car for Wales (I'm not driving - don't worry).
5. I've been watching too many extreme sports vids recently, and I have serious lifestyle envy. Come to that I have serious skills envy - those boys and girls pull off some seriously sick moves. Note to self - must try harder.

Right - need to go and pack. Have fun.

The 10 Second Rule

As I've mentioned before, I'm not the best at handling my personal finances. Simply put, my outgoings regularly exceed my income, which leaves me with some interesting cashflow issues at the end of the month. I live paycheck to paycheck, I have next to nothing in my savings account, and at the current count I probably have about £8.5k of debt, not including my car loan. I don't own my own house, and since I have no deposit have no hope of doing so in the next couple of years unless I either win or inherit money. It's a sorry tale for a girl who's a qualified accountant.

I hate being in this situation, having no safety net, and what I really crave is financial security. By that I mean, covering my bills in the month, having enough in the bank growing for the future, having a nest egg of savings for more immediate use, and having enough left over that I can go on the holidays I want and buy the pretty things when I fall in love with them.

I've been trying to scrabble out of this money pit for years, but somehow I just end up back where I started, or even deeper in the mire. I've still got my student overdraft but it ran out of it's interest free period a couple of years ago. I have 4 different credit cards. Well, technically I have 5, but one's empty and has been given to my friend for safe-keeping. 2 of the remaining 4 are just carrying balance transfers - 1 interest free at some long distant point, but never fully paid off, and 1 big one that's currently interest free for another 12 months or so. And 2 credit cards for day to day use with balances of a couple of hundred each.

On top of that I have a bank loan to pay for my car (my old one got destroyed in the floods a couple of years ago) which will still be going for another 18 months.

I have probably paid off those credit cards about 3 times over, with various windfalls of money, but each time they're emptied, they just climb right back to where they were. The only good news in this whole sorry tale is that my dad paid off the remainder of my student loan a couple of years ago, so at least that's one less burden.

I feel sick though when I look at the mess I've got myself in and the amount that I owe. Don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly able to cover the repayments I make, but I'm like a hamster stuck in its exercise wheel - whilst I'm running away on the treadmill of life, I'm not actually going forwards. Every time I make a plan to pay off the debt I get overwhelmed by how long it will take, even if I scrimp and save every last penny I have.

What makes me feel a bit sicker is that over the years my Dad has given me lump sums of money to help me out and I've just burned through them and they've gone. What a goddamn waste. And I look at what I spend it on - I am the ultimate consumer machine. I buy stuff I do not need, for a multitude of reasons but none of them the right ones. I've been losing weight recently, and as I weed out the clothes from my wardrobe that are now too big, I'm horrified at how many either still have the tags on them and have never been worn, or have only been worn once or twice. And my wardrobe is still full to bursting even though the pile on the floor is a couple of feet high.

In another example of wanton wastefulness, I bought a new laptop at Christmas. Why? Because my old computer was broken? Because it couldn't do something I needed it to? Not really. I persuaded myself that that was the case, but truthfully it's fine - a bit old, and a bit slow by current standards, but nothing worse than that. Yet another amazing waste of my money. And I bought in on 6 month interest free credit, which means I've got to pay for it sometime at the end of this month. Nearly £600 worth.

So here I am, wading through the bog of frivolous spending I created for myself, and no idea how to stop. I earn more than I've ever earned in my life and I'm still in a mess.

******

I stumbled across a website earlier in the week called The Simple Dollar. It's written by a guy, just an ordinary guy, who had a complete financial meltdown, and then dug himself out of it. He's not a financial expert (well not a qualified one as far as I know), but he's astute, intelligent and he looks at things a different way.

Reading his bio, I was frightened how close it sounded to my own - parents hard up during childhood, always just about scraping through, but being overly generous when the money did unexpectedly arise. An allowance that I didn't have to earn, although I was supposed to. And in my case, parents inherit some money just as I'm hitting adulthood - I get a new car handed to me on a platter, extra funding at uni, and every time I hit trouble and pluck up the courage to ask for help, a hand-out, usually a generous one, wings its away into my account.

On top of that, I've picked some massively unhealthy spending habits up since my teenage years. As a scholarship student at my rather expensive private secondary school, I've spent my teens being surrounded by friends who come from very wealthy families. So I quickly learned to camouflage the fact that my family don't have anything like that level of wealth.

I had a gap year where I worked, but spent everything I earned - revelling in the fact that for the first time ever I had a private income. My friends all went travelling, but I didn't because I was seemingly incapable of saving any money. I excused myself by saying that they all had savings given to them by their parents so they could afford to go, and it wasn't my fault I didn't have the money. Oh poor little me. The bank also gave me my first credit card, because I was working, and it's the start of the bad things to come.

Then I went to a uni notorious for the wealthy background of the average student. There was a running joke that it was 5 VW Golfs per student house, because all the students have nice cars. Yet again, I was surrounded by kids from more privileged backgrounds than me, and the pressure is on to keep up and conform - to never let on that you're different. By the time I left uni I'd run up over £3k on my credit card. I didn't even know how bad it was until the card got rejected one day in a shop because it was maxed, and I can still remember the heart-stopping feeling of panic when it happened. I'd also maxed my overdraft.

After uni I moved straight to London, and my snobby ways saw me taking flats I couldn't afford the rent on because I wanted nice surroundings. In the spend, spend, spend culture of London endless shopping trips and hedonistic nights out crushed my graduate salary and I got another credit card. Occasionally they'd get paid off by a bonus, but usually they just built up. My dad gave me two big lump sums in this time to help me set up in London, and then an ISA he'd set up in my name from the inheritance a couple of years previously. They were soon whittled to nothing.

After a couple of years, the charms of London faded and I came home. Although I took a big salary cut, I moved back into my Dad's and in theory my debts should have been paid back over the next year or so because my costs were so much lower. It worked for a bit, but I soon started spending all my salary every month, and then a bit more. Fast forward a couple of years and here I am - same old Sue. A little bit older and a little bit wearier, but still just as broke. I've moved jobs a couple of times since then, more than doubling my post-London salary, and I moved into a rented flat, but I'm still a disaster financially.

So back to The Simple Dollar. The author talks about how he looked at his spending and realised that none of it tied to his goals in life. As soon as he realised that and defined his goals, and then based his budget around them, his spending fell into line. So I followed his advice and defined the things that matter to me, and associated goals.

• Fun / Adventure - I want to travel and take the opportunities to do amazing things as they arise
• Family / Friends - I just want to nurture my relationships and enjoy the time I have with them
• Security - I explained that above - to be debt free, have savings, have enough money for the day to day, and own my house.
• Success - I want to be running my own business profitably and wake up in the morning excited about it.
• Health / happiness - I want to be fit and healthy, a decent weight that I feel comfortable about, happy with what I've achieved in life and not too stressed.

Nowhere in those goals does the spending of endless money on clothes, electronic gadgets, DVDs, books, stuff and other pointless things feature.

My spending doesn't make me particularly happy, unless it's on things like holidays and spending time having fun with friends, which I can't regret. The material stuff really doesn't matter so much though, and now I realise it never really has. Buying a ticket to go to the ball this weekend with my friends makes me happy, as will mountain-biking with them afterwards on Saturday - buying the new dress that's currently hanging on my wardrobe to wear hasn't, it's just made me feel guilty (it's going back by the way).

So here's the deal with the 10 Second Rule, now I've acknowledged these revelations. Whenever you buy something, stop and think for 10 seconds about whether you need this thing and how it fits into your goals. I can't count the number of times I ummmmed and ahhhed on the way to tills, not sure whether to splash and buy something. If I'd known to think about it terms of my goals, I wonder how many things I would never have bought. How much debt I'd have saved myself.

So over the next couple of months, I'm going to keep cash-tracking the way I have been, and I'm going to start using the 10 Second Rule. Let's see how much money I can save to put towards my debts next month, huh?

The perils of living in the countryside

For a start, you never know when the dustbin lorry that you're following along the lane is going to randomly knock down a tree that will then fall right across the road in front of you, completely blocking the lane.

Yep - that's what happened to me on my way to work this morning! The lorry clipped the branches (nothing unusal on lanes with overhanging trees), and I thought "oooh, I'm going to drive through a shower of blossom - how pretty!". Obviously the blossom was weighing the branches down a lot lower than usual though, because as the lorry moved forward the whole tree started to move and the trunk cracked clean through.

Luckily, A) I stopped in time that I didn't end up under the tree, and B) the binmen saw what had happened in their rear-view mirror and very kindly came back and moved the tree out the way to clear the road.

Just another normal journey to work, huh?

Windsurfing rocked last night, by the way. It was very windy with strong gusts, and we were wobbly, not having been out on the boards for 6 months, but it was great fun tearing up and down the lake on the edge of control and falling in a lot. I came in after an hour as I was shattered. Had just enough time to drive home, grab some tea and head up to the pub to meet friends, and then slept like an absolute baby last night.

Bridget's boyfriend Tim also very kindly picked up my bike on the way back from the pub, as he's going to take to Wales with his and B's for the weekend, so we can hit the trails at Llandegla on Sat after the ball - ace!!

Excitement

Two exciting things to report today.


Firstly, I'm going windsurfing tonight (I hope) for the first time this year, and I can't freaking wait! My kit is packed in the car, and I'm just dependent on the weather holding out now, it's still looking sunny with some wind out there, so I shall have a peek on Metcheck momentarily and check it out properly. Fingers crossed for good conditions!

I always get a bit nervous before any windsurfing session and I don't know why - I think it's usually because my sessions are a bit irregular so there's often been a gap since the last one, and then I get wetsuit nerves all over again, and then general I'm-going-to-make-an-arse-of-myself-and-I'll-have-forgotten-how-to-do-it nerves. It'll still be fun though, and I sometimes think that actually I really like the feeling of butterflies in my tummy because that's the feeling that lets me know I'm living my life.

The second exciting thing is that I've agreed in theory that I'm going to meet Lee for a drink on Sunday. God, it's ages since I've been on a date! And it actually ties into my diary quite well as it will mean that I have to go past Cribbs Causeway to get to Bristol so I can also take back last weekend's unrequired purchases too. But a date!!! I'll have to have the big stress over what to wear nearer the time - don't have any time for it now.


I'm also just about hanging in there on my budgeting this week - get paid next Weds and I think I have juuuust enough funds to see me through. Phew.

Shifting my ass

After the laziest weekend I can remember for quite some time, it's back to work and the start of what will no doubt be another thrilling week.



I've spent most of this morning catching up on reading other people's blogs (yes, I know I'm at work - but you didn't actually expect me to do any did you?), and working out my exercise plan for the rest of the week.



I'm off to the ball this Friday, and given that there is likely to be the most food ever there I want to have an active week to offset a bit of the damage. There was me, wonderingly thinking how much more active I am these days. Then I read some of the posts from the girls over at The Girls Cycling Compendium blog - I now feel about as active as a hungover slug suffering with a bad thyroid condition. Possibly even slight lazier than that even.



Those girls are freaking amazing - one of them did an "adventure race" - which is basically some crazy mixed-discipline race across open country-side in pairs or teams, combining whatever odd-ball sort of transport is required - this one started with 4 hours of kayacking, something like a 100km bike ride and then a 30 mile run. Yep 30 miles - I thought I must have mis-read that, and maybe it said 3 miles, or 30 kms or something, but no - 30 freaking miles!!!! And then just to round it off another 4 hours in a kayak. What the bloody hell?????? And I say she "did" an adventure race - she does them all the time. They also do 24 hour endurance races, and go for a night ride from one end of the Mendip hills to the other, on a bloody week night no less. I know the Mendips. And they're big.



They're crazy. Crazily motivated, crazily fit and just plain, out-there bonkers. And you know what - I'm jealous. How the hell do you get so good at stuff?? I mean, to put it in perspective, 2 hours 2o mins of pretty flat singletrack (mountain biking) at a sensible pace with lots of breaks killed me last weekend. Running for 20 mins kills me. Walking up the Worcestershire Beacon and back down kills me (well, maybe not kills me, but leaves me pretty damn tired). And I thought I was getting fitter. Not properly fit yet - but getting there, and I now see that I'm not even vaguely close to it.



Depressing.



However, since I am not Superwoman, and in fact am only a 28 year old girl, with a desk job, losing some weight and trying to get just a tad healthier, I should stop worrying that I'm not. Instead I shall go to my classes tonight and Wednesday, go for a run tomorrow and either go for a bike ride on the (somewhat smaller than the Mendips) Malvern Hills on Thursday, or walk up the Beacon, since I've just mentioned it, and I haven't done that in forever! I'm feeling tired just thinking about it, but I'd rather feel tired and content that I've done it, than just blah and probably still low on energy because I haven't.



Grumbling aside, I do have some health targets this year though - firstly, I shall be heading to Scotland in July with friends for what will probably be a week of both intense activity and also concentrated slothfulness / drinking. There's shit-loads of amazing mountain-biking and walking to be had straight from the cottage door and I want to get on with it. Also, the bay is perfect for wind-surfing and the boys take their kit up. I'm not as confident a wind-surfer as they are, but the last two years I've wimped out of even trying it up there - not so this year, I've determined.



Then in August I'm heading to Croatia for 10 days with my girlfriends. Our holidays are always pretty active, usually containing a lot of walking (I really suffered last year in France with this - bloody Alps) and whatever other sundry silly activities take our fancy (so far this has included canyoning, white-water rafting and climbing Via Ferrata style) - any fitness improvements would be good so I don't die and spend the entire trip grumbling how knackered I am. Not that that makes any difference because they're so used to my grumbling that they just ignore it and tell me to just get my butt to the next corner.



And finally, there's windsurfing in November in Egypt. I did this last year and it was great, but there's nothing like spending a week surrounded by hard-bodied, gnarly wind-surfing dudes and svelte surf-bunnies to make you think that you could do better by yourself and at least make an effort to look after yourself and push yourself that bit harder.



Change of subject: I've also got to work out when I'm going to have time to meet Lee-from-Bristol for a drink. Probably sometime next month at the rate my diary is filling up. But I'd better do it soon, because I get bored if I spend too long chatting to someone on the t'interweb before I meet them in real life, and also form too precise a picture in my head of how they'll be and somehow end up being disappointed. That aside, I spent a very lazy evening lying on my bed last night reading and bouncing silly emails backwards and forwards to him full of witty bantersome nonsense.



Suppose I really should get on and do some work now. Ciao.

Spending Alert!!!

Or should I say alarm!!! Crap, bollocks, shit - I've just done something really stupid!!

I spent a lovely day yesterday shopping down at Cribbs Causeway with my friend Bec. Really nice chilled out day, and for about the first 4 hours I was doing fine budget wise - I'd tried lots of things on, but only bought one top from the sale at French Connection, that was within my budget. Oh yes, I was being very good. And in fact, I was genuinely happy as I was being extra fussy and just hadn't seen anything that took my fancy.

Then I tried on a red dress as a possibly for the ball this weekend - cute, well really cute - but I put it back and wandered on to the next shop. I was also half-heartedly looking for some black work shoes - tried some on, expensive, but nice, but if I'm honest I was a little bit concerned about how comfy they might be - I bought them anyway . £55 gone. And then because it was buy one, get one half price in there, I was gullible and went and bought a £50 pair of wedges too. Ok so I only paid £25 for those, but I'd suddenly spent £80. Then there was the trilby hat and the earrings I just couldn't resist - another £26 gone, and finally I went back on impulse and got the dress on the basis that I wasn't sure my existing dress would still fit me and I could always take it back later (another £40 gone).

I don't have that money. Worse still, I obviously knew I didn't have that money as I put everything after the French Connection top on my sodding credit card. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah - what a stupid bloody thing to do. I spent about £150 on my credit card that I didn't mean to.

And this my friends is why I end up in debt. Because I am a stupidly, irresponsible shop-a-holic.

So here's what I'm going to do. I will try on my existing cocktail dress this morning. If it still fits OK (there's a possibility it may now be too big around the bust, as I've been losing weight recently) the red dress goes back. If it doesn't fit, then obviously there's not a lot I can do, so the dress will have to stay. I will try on the black shoes this morning. If they are not comfortable enough that I can see myself wearing them, I will take them back one evening this week after work. Now here's the tricky part. I really like the wedges I bought at the same time, and they are pretty damn comfy, but because I got them half price, when I get a refund for the black shoes, I'd then have to pay the other half of those. And £50 for a pair of sandals is still expensive. I got given a load of vouchers by work as lieu payment for my overtime at Christmas and I've still got some left. I think if I want to keep the wedges I should see if I can get them via the vouchers instead, thereby getting them for free. The hat and earrings I can live with paying for on my credit card - I shall just make sure I make an extra payment as soon as I'm paid to get them off there.

So there is my plan of spending mitigation. I seriously have to learn how to be better with my money.

I also got a gentle admonishment from my dad when I was having coffee with him on Friday that if I'd not moved into my flat over a year ago, the money I'd have saved in rent and bills would almost have built up to a house deposit by now. I did point out though that since I am actually incapable of saving money that that would never happened. I also silently thought that a 27 year old still living at home is a bit sad and the reason I'd moved out again was that moving back in at home when I came back from London was only ever meant to be a temporary measure, I ended up being there 2 years and I need my own space! I do take his point though.

Oh well - let's see if I can fix this monetary cock-up first.

Oooh - I'm excited!!!!

So earlier, I was pondering whether I should be a modern, forward kind of girl and make the move to ask Lee whether he'd like to go for a drink sometime. And whilst I was still pondering this point, he took the decision out of my hands and asked me. I wasted no time in saying yes - no point faffing really!

Exciting - it's been ages since I've been on a date! Although god only knows when we'll find some free time to meet up.

Late, late, late

Overslept by a bloody hour this morning - my alarm went off at the usual time (6.30) and I just thought I'd have a few more minutes in bed - checked my clock - 7 flipping 20!!! Argghh!! Got up, showered, dressed and out the house in 25 mins flat, and then had to stop and grab some breakfast from Starbucks on the way to work.

It also looks absolutely grim outside and has been absolutely pissing it down this morning intermittently, so guaranteed that I'll get caught out in it later with no coat .... grrrr.

I feel a bit caught on the hop today so hoping that once I've finished work I'll catch up with myself a bit.

Still emailing the guy from Bristol - maybe I should be bold and ask him if he'd like to go for a drink sometime?

The mythical quiet weekend

Why is it that everytime I say I'm going to have a quiet weekend, with nothing planned, it never happens. I said it again this week - I was going to have a blissful two days of doing nothing whatsoever, except now I'm meeting my dad for coffee tomorrow, going out shopping for the day on Sat with Bec, and doing something, don't even know what I've agreed to do, on Sat night with Sheena. Which means Sunday will probably be a recovery day. Or someone will pop up with another plan for it.

So there goes that weekend. And I'm now going to be away for about the next 4 or 5 weekends after that .... and all I really want to do is sleeeeeeeeeeeep.

Good news and sad memories

After all that doom and gloom about my dad yesterday, he surprised me by ringing me last night, literally as I was contemplating picking up the phone to him. I was amazed and delighted to hear him sounding far more cheerful than usual, and as he filled me on his news, I was inwardly cheering to myself.

He's made friends with a really nice couple his own age. They're retired like him, they're wealthy so they won't be trying to sponge money (thank god) and they're very outgoing. Everything I said I wanted for him yesterday (maybe I should have been muttering about a lottery win too lol). They've been for lunch together, and are taking him with them to a classical concert tonight - hooray!!! He's also been going back to his art class, and actually talking to people ... seriously, I know it sounds patronising to say this, but I couldn't ask for better news. And when he's upbeat like this, I selfishly find it so much easier to talk to him. The divorcee also rang to ask him for another loan and he told her where to stick .... go dad!!!!!!

We've arranged to meet for coffee in town tomorrow afternoon, and I'm going to get tickets to go to the theatre next month too - we're going to go and see the stage production of 'Allo ' Allo. I loved that show when I was younger - it was funny when I was young enough to be blissfully unaware of the high innuendo count, and even funnier when I was old enough to understand.

Let's see - what else has been happening? I've been swapping email messages with the guy from the dating website. No idea where it's going, but I'm thinking I'd quite like to actually meet up with him at some point as he seems really nice. What else? I'm still trying hard to stick to my budgeting plans. Errr .... I've just bought my ball ticket for next weekend, and we've also now got flights booked to Croatia for August (yep - budget plans, my ass). And I have the miracle of a free weekend ahead of me - absolute bliss.

Thinking about my mother the last couple of days because of dad has made me reluctantly think that I really should go and visit her grave. I've been sucessfully putting it off for just over 2 years now, and haven't been there since the day we interred the ashes. I don't know if it's a form of denial that it all happened, and I feel terrible that I haven't been - like I'm somehow denying her memory, but I also feel that it will upset me to go there and have to see the gravestone with her name on it. Two years has passed so quickly but maybe it's time to go and do it.

What a day

I feel the need to rant. Work has wound me up so much that right now I'm struggling to breathe in a normal fashion. The only upside to this is that I can't wait to go to my spin class tonight and ride out all the aggro.

It just winds me up how we are micro-managed in every aspect of pretty much everything at work, filling reports on this, that and the other to the nth degree, and usually on a deadline of 10 minutes ago. But it's all so poorly thought out that all that data we work so hard to provide is completely meaningless. Considering I work for the 2nd biggest company in the world, you'd think they'd be a bit better at organising things that this.

I shall not dwell on this - repeat to self - it's only work. It's only work. It's only work. It's only work ...

Rant over - it's safe to come out from behind the table now.

I managed to lock myself out of the flat last night, because I am in fact a genius. I went out for another run as soon as I got home last night (goooooooooo me!!), which means taking my house key of the ring and stashing it under the door mat so I can let myself back in later (no pockets in running clothes - good job you don't know where I live, huh?). Normally, I'd replace it straight back on the key ring when I get home, but knowing I still had a shit-load of work to do last night that I'd bought home from the office, I pretty much threw myself in the shower when I got back and then cracked on with it. I then went for dinner round at the boys next door (the angels cooked for me, because I was being stroppy and and busy and generally anti-social and they hadn't seen me all weekend), but I completely forgot that the flat key hadn't been replaced when I grabbed my keys to go round. Blinking idiot. With my flatmate staying down with her boyfriend last night, the whole scenario could have got quite messy, but luckily next door keep spare keys for us, for just this scenario, although it's usually my flatmate that requires them.

Other than the short break for dinner though, I was work, work, working all yesterday evening, which really does suck. Having got the major work stress out of the way, it looks like this evening is going to be a wee bit more relaxed for which I'm grateful.

One thing I must do is call my dad. Since we lost my mum a couple of years ago, we've been drifting slowly apart - I can feel it and I hate it. I don't love him any less that I did before, but I find it hard to talk to him. Mostly I think this is because I can see how devastated he still is by her illness and death. She's really left such a hole in his life.

Before she was ill, they were everything to each other - quite an insular couple, not really needing that many friends outside of their happy little family unit. In any case, mum was always the social driving force of the relationship, dad more than happy to coast along in her wake. Then later when she got ill, he cared for her at home without any outside help. So even though she slowly disappeared in terms of personality (she had early onset Alzheimers), the physical and mental burden of caring for her took over his life. And now she's gone, and I'm not sure he knows what to do with himself.

I find it so hard to watch him like this. My way of coping with grief is to bury myself in everyday life, make myself busy, and deal with it a tiny bit at a time. I think I'm far more like my mum in that respect - high sociable and very rarely letting my emotional guard down. But dad just seems lost. Never pushy enough to go and find himself new friends, he spends much of his time alone aside from interaction with others who are pushy enough in themselves to make themselves his friends. But they are few and far between.

I also worry, because since I flew the nest a second time, he seems to take on little "projects" - people who he can help, and who are usually wildly unsuitable for company. First there was the 40-something divorcee who was always in need of a male to do stuff for her, perennially short of money, and mother to a frankly weak and mentally unstable daughter (hello - she tries to commit suicide because she's bullied for being too pretty - grow a pair of balls for gods sake girl!). After her, there was the ex-jockey who'd broken his arm, therefore unable to work or race, and unable to find other work. I met this one on one occasion in the street - a bit odd and the kind of guy I'd probably cross the street to avoid, but no dad gives them money he can little afford and gets invested in their complicated lives. I realise that I sound cruel in my analysis of these people but I'm scared my dad will get hurt.

And so between one thing and the other, I find it quite disheartening spending time speaking to Dad these days. I wish he could find strong people who could cheer him up and bring him out of his shell, but he's not confident enough around those people, fearing that they are too busy for him and he's boring them. Which I think is the same reason he never rings me.

What an ungodly mess.

Stress and relaxation

I have to admit, I enjoyed the most fabulously lazy day yesterday. For a start, I didn't crawl out of bed til noon - heaven. I mooched around the flat for a bit, grabbing some lunch and catching up with my flatmate and her boyfriend, who I haven't seen in virtually a week. Had a little wander down to the shops, and bought a new denim mini-skirt, since my old one gave up the ghost last week, and in any case was so big that I could remove it without actually undoing it first (that's a shame - heeheee). Picked up some yummy food from Waitrose on the way home, and then settled down to wait for friends to arrive.

We spent most of the afternoon having a mammoth Guitar Hero session (I'm sure our neighbours downstairs must love us on the rare occasions we're quite noisy lol) and generally being silly, and I rounded off the day lying on the bed catching up on various episodes of Supernatural. Mmmmm - can't tell you how gorgeous I think those Supernatural boys - soooooo perrrty!! :o)

All in all it was the perfect antidote to a weekend of running round. Of course, this morning at work has pretty much undone all that good R & R work, as it's now month end, and since we've lost a day to the bank holiday, which the States don't have, our reporting deadlines are tighter than ever this month. Add on to that, that the US very kindly sent me a new reporting requirement which I've only just picked up this morning and is due tomorrow lunchtime, and the stress levels keep cranking up. So my choices now are to either stay in the office and work insanely late to try and sort it (creepy when everybody else has gone), or take my laptop home and work insanely late at home to sort it. Option 2 looks mildly better, but all in all I'm a grumpy bugger about it. The only good thing to be said for month end is that there's no time for me to sit around being easily distracted and dwelling on how much this job sucks.

So, I suppose I'd better text B and let her know that girl's night is officially cancelled due to stupid work, and god only knows when I'll find time to go for a run. Boooooooooo.

The one thing I was quite gratified to hear this morning, were the cries of "you should have come out on Sunday night - it was hilarious!!!" when I got into the office this morning. I know it sounds really stupid, but when I turned down the invitation to go out with work folks on Sun, I was half afraid that they would shrug and say to themselves, oh well, we won't invite her again. Such is my insecurity sometimes about whether people actually like me, that I think maybe they just threw me a sympathy invitation and I blew my chances. It sounds ridiculous doesn't it? Really, I do sometimes think I should get a grip!!!

Social double-booking - d'oh!

A round of applause for that young lady there!!!

In yet another genius moment of complete disorganisation, I managed to double-book myself for last night. Not the cleverest thing I've ever done.

On Friday night after the theatre, I'd asked B if she and Tim fancied doing something after the bike ride yesterday. We didn't really ever answer that question, so I forgot about it. Then I got a text from my work friend Claire yesterday, asking if I wanted to go out in Cheltenham for drinks last night, and said probably yes. Halfway round the bike ride yesterday, B said so what are we going to do tonight then? And I thought "oh bugger".

Please be very proud of me though. Despite being very tempted to go drinking in Cheltenham, because a) it's the first completely non-work-related invitation I've had from work friends since I started my job, b) I like meeting new people and there would have been lots of new people out in that group, and c) there was a guy going along who I rather like, I stuck to my moral highground and explained that actually I'd already got something else on after all.

So even though I made a mess of my diary, at least I did the right thing and stuck to my original committment - especially since I was the one that suggested said committment in the first place!

So after spending a rather knackering afternoon down at Ashton Court near Bristol mountain-biking round the trails in the sunshine, I spent a nice relaxing evening at the cinema watching the cheesey new X Men film. I thoroughly enjoyed it because I'm a bit fan of both cheesey action films and Hugh Jackman!

A day of unadulterated girliness

Spent a gorgeous day in Oxford yesterday with ex-uni housemate Caroline. The dreaming spires were bathed in gorgeous May sunshine, and I felt a real pang of nostalgia for my own heady student days when the biggest worry was an impending exam. Not that C and I were Oxford girls - Exeter all the way!

As per usual, I worked out what time I needed to leave the house to get to Oxford for 2pm .... and then promptly left 20 mins late because I was faffing - when, oh when, will I learn??? Luckily, traffic wasn't too bad so actually I wasn't soooooo late .... and in any case C's used to my efforts at time-keeping!

We passed the time happily browsing in the shops and boutiques, wandering round Christ Chuch Meadows and coffee-housing our way through 4 months worth of news (we don't get to meet up so often these days).

C was telling me about her exciting life in London and European politics (the girl did good - her career is really taking off at the moment and I'm sooooooooo proud of her!) and I was catching her up on my own not so-exciting developments. We finished the day sitting in the sun sipping drinks at The Living Room and stayed on to have dinner there - I've not been to any of their places before, and considering the standard of the food and drinks and the ambiance, I was amazed at the prices - so cheap!!!

I just made it home before I fell asleep behind the wheel. After a good night's sleep I've got about 15 mins before I need to leave the house to head down towards Bristol for mountain-biking in the lovely sunshine.

Have a good day peeps - hope you're enjoying the sunny Bank Holiday weekend!

Drama, drama, drama

Just got back from Twelfth Night at the theatre - it wasn't at all bad actually, apart from having possibly the world's longest first half - was beginning to wonder if they were actually going to bother with the interval!!! The actor playing Count Orsino was a little bit creepy though - really reminded me of the solicitor / actor-lovey-type character in Hot Fuzz who ends up being decapitated - just that same kind of slightly effeminate, sleazy look-at-me about him.

The theatre crowd are so damn "lovey" though!!! B gets involved with some of the am dram stuff from time to time, so she knows a fair few of the folks at the theatre, and even she was attempting to avoid them before the start of the play, because they're always so drama, drama, drama.

For example - the director of tonight's play is in love with the girl who is often the lead in his productions. She previously 'fessed up that she was a lesbian, but after dangling the director on a string for a long time (to keep her leading lady status one wonders?), she eventually got together with him when he finally issued an ultimatum, and decided that for the time-being at least she was straight. This then prompted a massive bust-up with her house-mate of the time, who was really into the director and hated seeing him being jerked around. The house-mate promptly shoved off to work at the RSC in Stratford and moved out of the house. Confused??? We frequently are!

They're also very loud and dramatic in the pub afterwards, which is either entertaining or deeply annoying depending what mood your in. I chose to me entertained tonight, but there is a limited dose you can take before you think "just sit down!". I think I'm getting seriously crochety in my old age - either that or I just don't like having to compete for the limelight lol.

Money, money, money

I feel happier today, like the clouds have lifted. I don't know if it's the sunshine, the imminent long weekend, or just a bit of positive thinking, but life doesn't seem such a mountain to slog up today.

I was thinking about money last night, and how I always seem to end up in a mess with it, and I thought if I can use positive thinking to help with my weight loss and fitness regime, why can't I apply the same principles to my budgeting and get that debt sorted? And I think I can, I just need to approach it in the same logical way and have some patience, and not get discouraged when it takes a long time, or there's little set-backs.

The main thing to keep in mind is the end goal - when I'm debt-free I'll be able to seriously consider what I want to do with my career and my life, and take advantage of opportunities as they arise. So the first task is just to get to the end of this month in one piece. I don't know how I manage it, but all my money seems to disappear in the first week of the month, like I sit there and honestly think anything I spend that week won't make a difference. Well, I've worked out my budget for the rest of the month (in fact I did so a couple of days ago) and I know what I'm expecting to spend this weekend, so that's a start.

I'm looking forward to the theatre tonight - it's been ages since I've done something cultured, and it's one of my favourite Shakespeare plays - yay!! Hopefully, I'll have time to head out for a walk this afternoon before dinner, and B and I will meet her boyfriend Tim for a drink at the pub after the theatre as he'll have just arrived for the weekend. Might see who else is around and drag some other folks out too - I've been a bit of a social hermit this week so it's time to do some catching up.

I also must call my Dad for a catch-up - it's been nearly 2 weeks and that's far too long. We have a complicated relationship these days, which saddens me, but more on that another time.

Enjoy the sunshine!